i don’t want winter to be over. i feel a little guilty and irrationally responsible but it’s there, this sadness in the pit of my stomach as the filthy snow begins to melt away. spring is astonishing and breathtaking, spring grabs all the adjectives and revels in them, but spring is not me. even autumn is not me, though i watch it with an intensity i do not understand. i am only myself in the winter, as i stumble over ice and slush, staring at the hard lines of the city against the grey skies. i walk along lake michigan and it talks — there is nobody else there so it whispers to me, i hear grief in the ice. i like how winter is so delineated — like the antithesis to a watercolor. it is harsh lines and colorlessness, it is a lacking, and it is no secret why i am here.
In a way, I’m proud of the suicidal voice that never leaves my head. I’m proud of it because I look out my window and find joy in the sunrise and in the way the ice is frozen on the river. I exist, I really do, despite my immediate urge to qualify that statement.
I like to stretch my arms out, my hands over my muscles and tattoos.
The sky is split in half right now, pale blue and a white line. I remember when this happened before.
I am different than I was then: I am better, I am more, and I so much worse.
my awesome friend surprised me with a poster of benedict cumberbatch and matt smith. i can’t quite bring myself to hang it up directly next to my pillow but i also can’t not.
I’m sorry. I’m trying to remember something important, and I am failing.
My grandfather died a long time ago.
A few months ago, I killed my double.
These facts have no symmetry. They are disconnected.
Welcome to Night Vale
Episode 41 - WALK
Hannah Hart just casually meeting President Obama (x)
I am still very much in shock.
MORE ON THIS NEXT TUESDAY
HOLY SHIT HANNAH WHAT
my parents are older than most for someone my age (69 and 70) and i’ve started to get nervous every time i get a call from one of them that’s atypical of the usual pattern, expecting to hear “honey, i’m at the hospital,” and i just got my first one. it looks like it’s fine — my mom has some shit in her lungs but treatable without surgery, but they’re keeping her in for a couple days — but damn in some serious parental mortality anxiety mode now.